Tears: it's ok to *show* you're not ok

Our national delivery lead Haylis Smith regularly writes for our blog. In her latest entry, she reflects on showing emotion, after the loss of her cat Tiggy.

I had a traumatic start to one day this week.

My elderly cat Tiggy, who has had heart failure and daily medication for years took a turn for the worse which ended in her final visit to the vets.

She was a much loved pet and we are all pretty devastated that she’s no longer with us and yes there were tears, lots of tears and snot.

Thankfully, the vet reception had a large stock of hankies and I was allowed to blub to my hearts content, allowed to show the emotion I was feeling without shame and with complete understanding that this was an awful time for me.

This is not the first time (and will not be the last time) I have publicly cried.

Anyone who knows me knows that it doesn’t take much to make me cry. I cry when I’m happy, when I’m sad, frustrated, angry etc etc.

I tried for a long time to stop the tears from coming. It sometimes felt like it’s not a good look, like it’s not the done thing, like some people perceive it as a weakness; that I should form some kind of stiff upper lip and not show emotion.

But, I’m past that now, showing my emotions is part of who I am, my heart is on my sleeve and I’m not ashamed or afraid to show it. I don’t consider it a weakness to show my feelings, I think it’s a strength and it shows I’m human – it helps me to build connection and relationships with people, they know who I am and what matters to me.

I have no preference in terms of political parties, so this is not a political comment, but I have been watching the fall out over the last week or so, when we’ve seen images of the Chancellor with tears in her eyes in parliament.

I’m sure if I had her role, you’d have seen my crying in Westminster far more frequently than she has!

I’ve been struck by the commentary about it, some very positive social media comments about how it shows she is human and it should be ok to show emotions at work but also a lot of negativity and cruelty about weakness and how pathetic it was.

In this day and age where people feel emboldened by the anonymity of hiding behind a keyboard and feel able to write whatever they want without the need to think about the consequences, I guess these negative views shouldn’t surprise me, but they still do.

I’ve spent my career working in mental health and suicide prevention.

I’ve seen the impact a few hurtful words and comments can have, not just when people are at their lowest, but how they can damage the confidence of the most passionate and competent people.  

I have also seen the power kindness and compassion can have. I often think of Kevin Hines who survived a suicide attempt at a high profile location in the US. He now works tirelessly to prevent suicide.

Kevin talks across the world about his suicide attempt and describes his bus journey to the bridge where he had made a pact with himself, that if anyone asked him if he was OK, he would tell them everything. 

It reminds me that it doesn’t take much to do something that could potentially make the difference for someone thinking about suicide.

Our, “What If a conversation about suicide could save a life” campaign also helps to show how we can all do something to help, that we don’t need specialist training, we just need to be there for someone, to listen and be kind.

Being able to sit (or stand, walk, drive etc) with someone when they are full of emotion, while they talk about what has made them feel like suicide is the only option is truly lifesaving.

We often hear the phrase ‘it’s ok not to be ok’, but I’m not a big fan of it.

I wish we lived in a world where there were no reasons for people not to feel ok.

But I am also realistic and know that as humans, things happen that mean we are not ok. So I think we also have to say its ok to show you are not ok, to let people see and know that you’re having a tough time so they can have the opportunity to stop, pay attention and offer some time, space and compassion.

It may be that they have, like me, lost a beloved pet and need a hug or it might be something more, they may be struggling to find reasons to stay alive and by showing kindness and compassion, you may just save a life.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, please reach out for help, speak to someone you trust or call one of these helplines:

• Samaritans 116 123 or use the online chat at samaritans.org

• Breathing Space 0800 83 85 87

• NHS 24 mental health hub on 111

If you are ever in immediate danger or have the means to cause yourself harm, you should dial 999 and request an ambulance.